Which female runner you should hit on

With the popularization of running, the therm “we train together, we stay together” has definitely taken on a new dimension. The racing “platoons” that tread Maksimir and the river Sava embankments (Zagreb, Croatia) look more like scenes from the landing on Omaha beach in Normandy. Massive! I run Maksimir park and have the opportunity to see all these wonderful people of all shapes, ages and running forms and it’s hard not to think that some are there because of the “hitting on”… an old-fashioned expression of those over 40, almost extinct due to the general use of more modern expressions and all kinds of dating applications (swipe left or right). If nothing else, this seems lika a better option. Run and watch asses… ok, some of these asses also require a good peripheral vision, but I guess they’ll get a little tinnier from all that running. Fingers crossed. I know, I’m an awful person, but don’t pretend that you are a super nice person, furthermore that you aren’t doing the same thing yourself – commenting. If nothing else, within yourself. So don’t preach, this is one fun article. At least for me.

But which one should you hit on “for real” without hurting yourself? Honestly, it pretty much depends on what shape you are in. From what I have had chance to witness so far, you gotta have some insight into some important factors such as the time spent at work, with family, friends and training… because only after all that is met you’ll have your time. Here are a few basic categories for you to think about. Still, this article is about female runners because I have no experience with hitting on male ones but surely that should be a much easier task just by men being men, ergo driven by some basic instincts. Are you comfortable enough so we can start?

Ultras

My humble opinion is that you should be avoiding this particular group if your only goal is hitting on them/her, or politely stated, trying to do so. First of all, there isn’t much chance that you’d have that energy and determination, which is necessary to follow around this lady in her adventures (just because you are reading this, otherwise you’d be training outside). Long story short, “do not try this at home”, unless you are a trained professional. You aren’t on her level and most likely she’s “more of a man” than you. I truly admire them, but honestly stay out of their way ’cause the beast can run… and I got this description from my female running buddies that are not part of this particular group.

Trail runners

They are the closest to the forest fairies… by all means pumped up with adrenaline and instead of wings have some f..kin’ awesome running shoes with spikes. These ladies are true gems, but if they start flirting with trail lengths more then 20K… most likely you are screwed. It would be hard to see them anywhere besides the woods or some rocky landscape. Simply, if by any chance you draw some attention to yourself, keep her under control so she doesn’t overdo it and you will enjoy yourselves together in a joyful excursion into nature.

The Halfer and the Marathoner

The typical profile of an average member within this group: perfect mother, successful business woman, with a super tidy home, no “cross-branding” in her outfit (all Nike like she’s sponsored, but not a gold digger), mostly above the age of 35,… These women are the true meaning of danger and it is highly recommendable to avoid them in big circles unless you like to be hardcore neglected. If she’s no mother, you can bet that she has that planned already. She has short term and long term plans, worked out to the smallest details. As well as her running calendar. Members of these two subgroups are like hazardous materials for male species because they are highly attractive on so many levels for their success that can impress even the most hard core ones, but be aware that her scheduled is already sold out. Generally, she doesn’t have time anyhow and if she wants to run, something needs to be relinquished and that something is you. She’ll never relinquish her job or to be a mother, and when we talk about going to a marathon race in Ljubljana (Slovenia) even if the weather forecast said swimming instead of running like we’ve seen the last year, you are not in her focus. She will search and find that special, branded wind-stopper “that breathes” at the same time being waterproof, matching waterproof socks, make up that cannot be messed with even by a category 5 hurricane, severe weather Taft for her hair to allow perfect matching with the rest of the styling and ridiculously fast tempo while she’s braking her old PB and brag on all social networks. To be fully honest, well deserved. The effort she put into it for months if not years, justifies everything. All except the time she should be spending with you but that’s on you. If, by any chance, you yourself are a marathoner, there is a great chance that you won’t be running the same pace. If you are slower, it is ok. She can rant on you, but very likely you will become insufficient soon enough. On the other hand, if you are faster, you are endangering her confidence or at least you won’t be training together… ’cause she has her own tempo. To sum it, every attempt to hit on her is basically entering a masochism zone so think twice.

The 10K’ers or those who mostly run 10K

Thought of keeping those for the end, because I think this is by far the best group you can get and worth any effort. These are true all-rounders. They can run shorter and longer distances, but 10K in the right tempo is her distance. She is in her top shape, loves running, but still has time for other important stuff in her life, trying to find balance. I mean, she’s no crazy, nor infatuated, if you know what I mean. She’ll run a half marathon without a problem but will not specially train for it because “it’s just two 10K” races in one and so she’ll just adjust the tempo and that’s it. They come to socialize and a drink after the race but trying to find a fine balance in interactions with her male partner (or female to be politically correct). She is fit, but not crazy. She loves to train but doesn’t feel pressured. After finishing her usual 5K run in the neighborhood, she doesn’t have an urge to inform the whole world about it. Running wise, my personal favorite.

Wannabes or C25K (Couch to 5K)

Sincerely, if you are a runner and you stumble on such a group, be careful because these women have the potential for more but will drive you crazy with posting every freakin’ distance they run even if it’s 800 meters, where she, most likely stopped herself twice for refreshments, her shoe laces got untied, got bitten by a mosquito, it was too hot, took the wrong pair of socks, tights were too tight,… you got it right? Drama Queen! But the most important is that on each of her posts on social media in regards to her running miracle she describes her every single step in so many details, informing the world about every “misery she went trough and concurred it”. If you can be all that women say men are (listen but don’t hear), you could actually survive this wonder of a woman but seriously hoping that she grows up into a 10K’er and that this running thing becomes a part of her life, not her daily highlight. After all, that should be you!

These are just some basic classifications as I have experienced them but you should keep in mind that in any given moment, switching from one group to another can occur. That, by default, doesn’t have to be bad, at least not for running ladies but you need to be prepared for that scenario as well. Subgroups should be part of your inner urge for more detailed analysis and feel free to develop those skills, knowing that sooner or later it makes no sense when talking about women as they are unpredictable and the game you are playing is the one in which they win. Also, everybody can walk a halfmarathon, since some of the results are in that category so have that in mind when you meet a “halfmarathoner”. That particular one was maybe doing sightrunning by walking a bit faster, just to have that fabulous photo on the finish line with a finishers’ medal in front of some very famous antique building.

And at the end, I hope that you were entertained reading this very fictional, absolute joke of an article and if for a second you thought I’m a chauvinist sexist, most likely there is some truth in what I wrote… and these very fictional categories could make sense. Luv ya!

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